In January 2021 I was living with death; my father was weakening by the day and so was my beloved dog, Oliver. To say those days were excruciating in their pain is nothing to what I felt for months after they both died within 2 weeks of each other. I landed into February with the heavy bear of grief on my back. This is my analogy for the weight and pain of grief, it feels like a bear. It is an odd comfort to sit with and at once a wretched ache you can’t wait to be free from. I did myself a disservice by thinking I could push through and still work at full capacity. I did myself a disservice by not reaching out for help. The isolation of the pandemic coupled with the depression born of grief was so intense that asking for help was mute to me. I woke up in tears and went to bed in tears for months. Just as I found myself resurfacing, feeling fresh and clear in my heart and head again, just then, in November I got the news that my mother had cancer. It was like I had just found my footing to stand up and got knocked back down. This time, I caught myself before I hit the ground, before the bear could grab a hold of me. I found myself breathing into a different kind of grief. This time I am allowing myself to prepare for and to be nurtured through it in a healthier way.
To prepare for grief, I am clearing my schedule as much as I can. The Tuesday Yin class will now be on Zoom only, I am not hosting a Yoga Day Camp February 21st as planned. There will not be a CommUnity Yoga Preschool event for February. And there will not be a Teen Gathering on the 13th. I am creating space for myself to travel to Baltimore to see my mom as often as I can while also allowing needful time to rest, process, and take care of myself.
We never know how much time we have together. I have never felt closer to my family as I have in these dying times, the letting go of these giants that brought us here, raised us, and have been these pillars in our lives of mom and dad. Over the first weekend in January we all gathered at my Mom’s apartment and we played board games, wicked battles of pickle ball, had a sharing circle, and danced and sang to old songs with so much laughter, so much laughter, so much joy. What a celebration, what a way to celebrate the beginning of the New Year while so aware of the massive goodbye that is coming.
There are a thousand ways to say goodbye.
Love dearly, love like there is no tomorrow.
Love, love, love – it is all that we are asked to do.
Picture is of a recent visit with my mom and dear childhood friend Tracy.
Dear Nitya, I are no words to comfort you in these dark days that passed and the challenges of the coming days. But I will include you and your Mom in my prayers. You are a wonderful daughter to your parents and spending time with your Mom now is the best gift you can give her as well as yourself. Thank you for reminding me to Love, love, love. Sometimes I focus on my hurts that the love I show is not deep enough to show. Take care of yourself my dear one. May God bless and keep you.
Thank you, Lennie. Blessings to you.
Peace and strength to you. This is exactly what you need to do. Take care of yourself. I think that when you’ve had a traumatic event, you have a delayed reaction to the stress. You power through it at the moment and then you react. For me, it was last March when my own father passed. It’s been hard to concentrate or make myself do anything, and I had many projects going. I’ve hyper-focused on the wrong things and neglected my own self care in the process. So take time and yes, be easy on yourself.
Thank you, Lesley. I am sorry for the loss of your father. I pray your grief journey brings you comfort, ease, and deep abiding love in his memory.
The joyful smiles on your faces brought happiness to me today, even though I am grieving the news I learned yesterday of the death of a friend who lost her battle with breast cancer. It is wonderful you get to spend this precious time with your Mom.
So sorry to hear of your friend’s passing. Such a time it is of loss, of grief. Blessings to you in your remembrance of her.
Dear Nitya:
I totally understand what you going through. I was lucky enough to see my dad , since I was faraway one , lot of sign came in front of me,I question it and asked show me one more to confirm what I was wrong, than I shaking from my body until booking the flight to go back Taiwan, arrived on my Chinese birthday , next day I was only one with dad I feel so happy with him take care him by myself, what great day for me , I did feel need to call my brother to come back tomorrow, night time I got up every hour check on dad , 3:35am I feel earthquake out of bed , felt dad may having temperature, than I told my self let’s worry tomorrow.
Than 4:30 to the bathroom, dad looks peaceful I was going to bed but I told my self going to check on him , than he was gone , I was so calm call 911 , talking to all the peoples come helping me, I put my hand up stop them to talk , told them I needs call my sis ,dialed numbers talk to my bro-in law , dad passed away, drive safely to come home , I can feel my dad was so proud how calm I handle things .
I was the one who can be calm for dad , thanks to yoga in my life , I feel love should not be hurtful even with dearth, I wanted remember happy days, later Ann told me that dad did not want us to crying after his death,he lived his lifetime over 80. Dad was 88 and 8 days while he was sleeping, best way to be gone in Chinese life, 888 are very lucky number as well.
And Jack was 11 months before, 17 1/2 years old, long life for beagle , tears come often , I allow myself to cry even when I was in zumba.
I am happy person, life do include death it’s full circle end , I understood why my father did not want us to cry for him , and I did make him proud of me , it’s enough for me, love is the answer so True !
I am very sorry you are going through this time , thank you for open to your friends, sending my love to you.
Your Kay
Thank you Special Kay! Our memories are a comfort. Our love is eternal. All the circles, beginnings and endings. Blessings to you, dear one.
Beautifully stated. Yes, take care of youself. Life on earth is fleeting.
Hope to see you soon.
Dear Nitya,
You give so much to your students and their families and we treasure you for that. You make a great difference for many. Please use the love and appreciation we send to you to soothe your pain. It is real and I ache for you.